Some things die slowly. A criticism, a denial, an accusation, eyes that don’t really look at you, a listener that isn’t really ever listening, a mocking voice, or tone, a body language signal that dismisses you one more time.
Just one too much and it is dead.
One day you are in your happy place, haven’t cried for 23 hours, are looking at the future; dreaming of those pretty well behaved
better behaved than your friend’s at the least children you haven’t had yet; the Florida vacation he promised 5 years ago & confirmed as a plan again last evening; renovating that beautiful house with the view that you have together been dreaming about.
The next minute
or 24hours later you are parking your bags thinking “why didn’t I see this before!!? how stupid am I?!”
For Tessie, that moment came when she found herself in the walk-in closet, bedside (reading) lamp in hand, she, yes she, smashing it on the shelf in the walk-in. Walk-in closet door closed.
She thought “when did I un-plug the lamp?”
He said “your anger issues are ruining our relationship. Why do you get so angry? I never get angry! shouldn’t we see a psychologist, separately or together?”
she thought “I could hit him with this! why am I so angry?”
She calmly said “stay away from me.”
Tessie wondered when she became this angry un-balanced exploding person that could smash her beloved lamp and think of smashing a person. Before him, her listed strengths included “calm in a storm”, “organized”, “kind”, “smart”, responsible”, “a ray of sunshine”, “fun”, “ambitious & goal oriented” etc. Her ex, who later became her current husband of 6 years used to tell her that nothing could neutralize a situation better or quicker than her smile or a quiet thought out question or word from her.
In less than 3 years she had become “a bad tempered storm of rage”, “disorganized”, “unkind & selfish”, “smart only in some ways and not really that smart in lots & lots of other ways”, “irresponsible”, “cold & un-available”, “inconsiderate”, “too ambitious & manipulative” etc
The next morning, she packed, called a friend and moved.
When he called, 2 weeks later to say “I miss you”, she could sincerely say “Maybe I miss you too, but don’t call me anymore.”
Real love has to be able to call after a day and ask “are you feeling better? Are you OK? are you still angry? I am sorry for hurting
annoying you, pissing you off, touching you sensitive buttons, you”.
Real love should be able to say “Please don’t leave. Let us speak about this. I don’t want to loose you”. Preferably say it and mean it before bags are packed, friends are called, insults are exchanged, the moving help has arrived, the moving has taken place and most friends & family have been informed of the move.
Real love would never be able to wait 2 weeks.