I had been thinking.
Pulling my hair.
Gnashing my teeth.
Scratching my back.
Picking at the pimples on my face.
Scratching my scalp bloody.
Biting my nails.
Re-counting my years.
Checking the wrinkles that may or may not be showing up.
Checking my awaited grey hairs.
Learning new things.
Investing the savings.
Thinking. Choosing. Re-choosing.
What a luxury! To have choice. All these wonderful choices.
Some mornings, I woke up sad. Some nights, I slept close to tears.
I can afford the rent.
I can feed myself.
I can pay my ticket and hotel room in Paris.
I can buy my own shoes.
The thought hit me.
To choose; when you have everything else and the only thing left to choose is love; you have to choose the love you cannot live without.
The silent question: “how to choose?”
Pooh answered: “You cannot go through your feminist life looking back at the things you rejected and miss & regret when you are 50, 60, 70 years old.
If you cannot say the below to the rejected, the left behind, the discarded, the not-chosen, or to yourself, and really mean it; then you cannot reject. Anything. Anyone. Ever.
- I do not love you. I wish you well.
- I love someone else. I hope someone else will love you.
- I am not available for you. I am prioritizing someone else.
- You have to celebrate one more birthday without me. And many more in the future.
- Someone else’s feelings and happiness mean more to me than your feelings and happiness. I hope you will be happy anyway.
- I will not miss you.
- I will not miss your voice.
- I will not miss your wonderful face.
- I will not miss your smile.
- I will not miss your jokes.
- I will not miss your body.
- I will not miss your body odor. In fact, I will forget it.
- I will not your input when I need input.
- I will not miss your feedback when I need feedback.
- I will not miss taking a walk with you in the city.
- I will not miss your/our friends.
- I will not miss your family.
- I will not miss watching TV with you.
- I will not miss spooning with you in the mornings.
- When I think of love, when I dream of love, when I speak of love; I will not think of you.”